Purpose in the Pain: A True Story of Miscarriage
By Janelle Shelly
“There’s no heartbeat.” The sonographer’s voice, void of emotion, confirmed my worst fears. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, choking back tears. The days, weeks, and months following my miscarriage are among the darkest I’ve ever experienced. Why did this happen? Was it my fault? Am I capable of having a normal pregnancy? These questions haunted me. It seemed everywhere I looked I saw or heard another pregnancy announcement. I was frequently forced to paste a smile on my face to congratulate another friend or co-worker who was expecting a baby. It wasn’t a question that I was a happy for them. Instead, I questioned—“Why am I not allowed to meet my child? What is God trying to reveal to me through this loss? Why must I experience this?” Ultimately, I wondered, “How is this really part of God’s plan and purpose for my life?”
The
pregnancy started off the way you might expect. First, came the positive
pregnancy test with two little blue lines, announcing that I was going to be a
mother. I even made a special announcement for my husband, eager to share the
exciting news. Then came weeks of nausea and fatigue. I recognized this for
what it was—a necessary part of pregnancy for most women. However, when the
nausea suddenly disappeared around my eighth week of pregnancy, and the fatigue
lessened, I became suspicious. I was a novice in the world of pregnancy and
motherhood, but I was fairly certain this was supposed be the height of these
pregnancy symptoms, not the end of them. I dismissed the idea in my head. I had
no bleeding or spotting or cramping-nothing to suggest a miscarriage or problem
of any kind. Still, no matter how hard I tried to ignore my worries, there was
a nagging feeling that something was wrong. Truthfully, though, nothing could
have prepared me for the overwhelming tragedy of losing a child I’d never even
met face to face.
“Who
knows, perhaps you have come to your royal position for such a time as this”
(Esther 4:14, NIV). Mordecai, Esther’s cousin, spoke these words to her before
she set out on her endeavor to save her people with the Lord’s help. Esther
sought the Lord, and the Lord used her in her position for his glory and as a
part of his plan. She was terrified, and rightly so. But, she trusted
there was a reason she had been called to this challenge. In the same way that
God used Esther, he can use you, too. If you’re seeking the Lord, you’ve been
called to your current position for such a time as this. Perhaps
you’ve suffered a miscarriage, but you now have empathy for those dealing with pregnancy
loss, and this allows you to comfort a friend walking through the journey of
losing a child. Perhaps you’ve come to this difficult spot in your marriage,
but God will ultimately refine you and your spouse and draw you closer
together. Perhaps you’re in the midst of financial peril, but God will use this
tough patch to teach you a lesson that will help you to create healthy spending
habits. Perhaps you’re walking through some very dark days with one of your
children, but ultimately, God will bring your child into His loving grace and
mercy. Perhaps you’re being called to any number of especially challenging
situations for such a time as this.
When
I experienced my miscarriage, a trip to the operating room for a
D&E/D&C, and a period of infertility, I can honestly say, I had no idea
how exactly this fit into God’s plan. Since then, however I’ve received a call
from a friend saying, “I think I may know what you’ve been going through these
past months. I just lost a baby.” For such a times as this. From
another friend, “This is crazy and awful. You’re the first person I’ve
contacted, I think I’m miscarrying a child.” For such a time as
this. Still another, “I’m waiting to be induced. They just told me
it’s a still birth at 20 weeks.” For such a time as this. As
the years go by, I can see it. I can see how my experience, though
heartbreaking, painful, and agonizing, is part of God’s plan; how I can touch
the lives of others experiencing similar grief.
You
see, when Esther set out to save her people, Israel, she didn’t know the ending
to the story. She couldn’t see all the pieces. She didn’t know if God would
save her people. She didn’t even know if God would save her life. She
knew only that the Lord was calling her to her current situation and position,
and it was her duty to follow him, to trust him, and to lean on him. Her story
has a happy ending. Because of her obedience and faith in the Lord, he did
spare the Israelite people. But when Esther set out to talk to the king, she
didn’t know what would happen, or how God would write the story of her life.
While walking through my miscarriage, I couldn’t see all the pieces either. I
couldn’t see the many friends with whom I would share and cry, and the
countless phone conversations and text messages I would exchange with other
hurting mothers and friends. I didn’t know there would be others to walk
through similar situations who would need some advice, some encouragement, or
just someone to cry with them. And, maybe I still can’t see the final picture
that God is painting from that time of sadness and grief. But, I can say I know
God has called me to my past experiences as well as my current position for
such a time as this. And, if you’re seeking the Lord and His will, the
same is true for you.
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