Finding Purpose in Hard Places
By Abi Dougherty
At the end of January, my family
and I were able to take a vacation to Florida. We go not just for the vacation,
but for a special time as a family to honor the birth day of our daughter Joeli
Grace, who we lost after five months of pregnancy. Because of the pain that is
so often felt over that week, we have found this time away creating happy
family memories has become very sacred for us.
It was the day before her birth,
January 29th 2008, that we found out her heart had stopped beating. That day is
always very difficult, I think especially for me. But this year God blessed us
with the most incredible reminders of his presence and I think, Joeli’s
presence with us too. At the very end of that day we went to the aquarium in
Clearwater, Florida to see Winter and Hope from A Dolphin’s Tale. My kids were
SO excited.
We arrived at the aquarium, parked
in the garage, and got in line for our tickets when suddenly people behind us
in line said, “Hey, here’s a free child’s ticket for you. We just want you to
know JESUS LOVES YOU!” I said, “Wow thank you so much! Jesus loves you too!”
And then they walked off, and we went to purchase the rest of our tickets only
to find out that the ticket they gave us couldn’t work for some reason. We had
a good laugh and said, “Well, that’s okay, it’s the thought that counts right?!
And Jesus still loves us!” Then, after we purchased our tickets we excitedly
followed a crowd of 5 or 6 people into a little elevator. I think as they saw
our family of 7 trying to squeeze into the elevator with them it instantly led
them to their question for us, “What floor do you need?” AKA when can you all
GET OUT OF HERE? To which, I very excitedly and loudly proclaimed, “Whatever
floor the dolphins are on!” To which, they half laughingly said, “Well, this is
the PARKING GARAGE ELEVATOR, so if you’re trying to get to the dolphins you
need to get out and go back the way you just came from and outside the building
following the signs to the dolphins.”
I open with that story, because
it’s very easy to walk blindly, to follow the crowd, but the only place that
gets us is lost in the “parking garage elevator” of life. We need a guide.
That’s Gods Word. We need a planner. That’s The Holy Spirit, our Creator. And
we often need a Body surrounding us, who have gone before us and are gathered
around us to help point the way. That’s the people in the elevator who helped
us realize we needed to turn around! We need to have enough room in our hearts,
minds, and lives to have space to welcome in and walk with The Plan and The
Planner and the Planners Pals! That means an emptying of SELF and a SURRENDER
to Someone and Something greater than ourselves. So let’s talk about a Season
of Surrender.
I recognize that maybe you aren’t
being asked to surrender a season of unknowns to a terminal illness in your
family right now. But I think that no matter where you’re at today, we can all
relate to a season or even moments of being called to surrender. Maybe for you,
it is surrendering a job with co-workers that are pulling you down a path you
know is taking you far from God. Maybe it is surrendering a habit, a hobby, or
maybe surrendering your thought patterns. Maybe it is surrendering your desire
for control. Maybe it’s as simple as surrendering YOUR plans for dinner tonight
and taking time to cook for someone in need. Or as simple as surrendering YOUR
side of the bed to a sick child who wants to cuddle. Along with surrender, I
think a big key here too is surrendering the things God is calling us to
surrender WITHOUT a begrudging spirit.
Philippians 2:17 says it SO
beautifully, “But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a
drink offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God.
And I want all of you to share that joy.”
Gods call for me was
surrendering MY plans for my children’s education, MY time for exercising the
amount I enjoyed, and the pride of continuing to grow MY own blossoming
business and instead caring for my terminally ill mother-in-law and my
father-in-law through a VERY difficult season. I want to share with you about
this season of surrender.
In order to do that, I want to
begin by taking you back about 12 years ago with me. That is when my
mother-in-law, Lynn, began with her very first symptom of the disease that
ultimately took her life on January 2nd, 2020. So, 12 years ago was like any
other day at work for her, until she passed out, hit her head, and landed in
the emergency room. I remember my very first thought upon getting the news.
Being the optimist that I am, I went straight to, “Oh no! She has a brain tumor
and is dying...”
I had no idea that although I was
wrong about the tumor, and we briefly rejoiced in the “clear” results, my
mother-in-law was actually already beginning her very long journey with the
rare terminal illness called Multiple System Atrophy-Parkinsonism, or
MSA-P.
It was a long journey of health
scares for my mother-in-law until that diagnosis finally came. In fact, it
wasn’t until multiple bladder infections, continued occurrences of passing out
and hitting her head on things, syncopal seizures, tremors, a heart attack and
one severe bladder infection that ended up leading to sepsis and landing her in
the intensive care unit at Lancaster General Hospital, where she was finally
diagnosed in 2014.
I will never forget my
mother-in-law’s response to her diagnosis, “Well, at least it isn’t
Parkinson’s!” My in-laws really had no idea what this diagnosis meant. I tried
to ask the doctor to do some more explaining and give more information to us
regarding this neurodegenerative disease, but maybe the lack of understanding
lent my in-laws the ability to truly LIVE through this terminal diagnosis with
joy and continued normalcy?! Because that is EXACTLY what she continued to do.
Even through all the continued falls and health issues that arose, she just
pressed on as “business as usual”, or as normal as possible.
Mom pressed on.
Dad pressed on too and picked up
care for her rather seamlessly. And for a few years it really honestly did not
even seem like “she was dying.”
As things progressed though, it
was becoming more and more obvious that we were entering a stage of this
disease where the support they needed was increasing and the rate at which the
changes were happening was becoming too hard for them to bear on their own. The
health declines were overwhelming even for my husband Sean, myself, and Mike
and Kristina, my brother and sister-in-law, to keep up with. Sean and I
remember Mom walking herself with a walker into the recovery room after I
delivered our last child, Jesse. That was some 2 1/2 years ago now. But she was
growing weaker and more unstable physically and her mental struggles with the
neurodegeneration aspect of the disease were becoming more and more apparent
with lewy body dementia, paranoia and hallucinations all setting in
heavily.
When it reached the point where
Mom could no longer bathe herself, and Dad was not able bodied enough to safely
care for her either, that was the point I said, “We need to do something!” At
that point Mom’s falls became much more frequent as well, pointing to the
unsafe nature of their situation. We started with helping them acquire a few
days a week of a couple hours with nursing support, but it was rather quickly
obvious that due to the dementia and paranoia setting in this was not adequate
with the amount of care and oversight needed. It was also setting mom off
emotionally, because with the dementia setting in, every new face became an
anxiety provoking situation for her.
This is when God began to call me.
I knew it was just pulsing through my blood to care for her—for them—through
this season. I knew I could, or thought I could handle the road ahead, and
whatever would come (which I had NO IDEA how much would come and all that I
ultimately could NOT handle). Yet, I was willing to surrender whatever I needed
to in order to be able to serve them through this difficulty. And it was during
the many talks that we all had, that we were led to the ultimate decision that
they would build onto our home, and we would care for them. That is when I
began saying this was going to only be a SEASON. And when I said that I knew,
it was truly going to be a Season of Surrender.
It was not easy to walk out the
surrendering, but it also was not too hard. Don’t hear me wrong. There were
certainly moments, days and even months that felt TOO HARD in regards to the
amount of care, emotional strength, and work that it took to serve my in-laws
through this. But in regards to the surrender that it took to serve them, God
gave me grace upon grace to be able to do so with a deep joy and peace inside
my heart. I really believe HE called me to this journey.
But the difficulty, the heaviness, the
hard-ness of their season of care truly came in April and May of 2019, just
over one year after we had taken them in. In October 2018, Mom was accepted
into full hospice care. Meaning, the prognosis in their assessment of her
health was that she had only 6 months or less left to live. I calculated and
that took us to around April, 2019. And so, as expected, April was very hard.
And May was almost unbearable for us all.
Yet, although April and May seemed
unbearably hard, dark and painful, we pushed through and found strength through
the incredible support of friends, family, and The Church. And Mom somehow
pushed through April and overcame what we believe was sepsis. Although Mom
rebounded, she was now so weak and almost completely non-verbal. Sean's father
had also had a very difficult year with us from 2018-2019, facing multiple
bladder infections himself. His infection in May, the month just following my
mother in-laws battle with near death, he also became septic. He went into the
care of Lancaster General Hospital for much of the month of May, leaving me with
the full responsibility to care for my mother-in-law.
Though I felt the weight of
responsibility, I often thank God for the wonderful support we had from my
brother and sister-in-law. Without Kristina’s support through that I may have
ended up in a mental hospital—all joking aside. With both of my in-laws
seemingly facing death's doorstep, the pressure we felt was intense during that
season. But God! God allowed us to walk through possibly some of the darkest
most painful seasons in the surrender that we have ever walked through.
It was hard. It was SO hard. But
every moment of the hardest and darkest parts of the journey only lent me
further opportunities to more deeply surrender my heart, my mind, my desires
and plans, my fears and my weakness to the One who IS able.
Many times people use the phrase,
“I hit rock bottom.” It is when God is the Rock at the bottom, that I think we
have fallen exactly where changes and growth happen, which bring deeper beauty.
People also use the phrase I’m stuck “between a rock and a hard place.” Both
phrases really bring about a sense of finality and impossibility to any sort of
FORWARD or UPWARD motion.
But again, IF GOD is the Rock that we hit when we fall or feel stuck,
we somehow SEE things differently and notice that we are now ABLE not because
of our own able-ness, but rather, because of HIS! I don’t know about you, but I
am SO thankful He is at work WITHIN us!
In Ephesians 3 it says, “Now all
glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to
accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the
church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” You
are a vessel being used by Him!
His stability, immovability, security
and strength—all of His faithfulness—provides for us! This reminds me of a
vision God gave me when we lost our daughter Joeli Grace. I remember crying out
to him, “GOD! Where are you in all of THIS?!” And instantly He showed me this
dark turbulent, bitter, violent stormy sea with waves crashing all around me
and then he took my eyes beneath the surface of all of the waves and heartache
and deep, deep beneath the storm was a HUGE ROCK planted firmly, unmoved,
unshaken, unaffected by the storm above. And He said, “Abi, this is who I am
and where I am. I haven’t moved. I haven’t changed. I haven’t shifted. I am
still the same yesterday, today and forever.” And I felt this stillness wash
over me. He is my Rock. In Hebrews 13:8 it reminds us that, “Jesus Christ (is)
the same yesterday, and today, and forever.”
I asked an artistically gifted
friend of mine, Leslie McCarthy, to paint this vision for me. She called it,
Rock Of Ages!
When everything else is shaking,
unstable, and not secure, HE is immovable, unshakable, unchanging, strong, stable,
and secure. I don’t know about you, but I want to fall on a Rock like that! I
want to get STUCK on a Rock like that!
That year after we lost Joeli, I
poured myself heavily into the Psalms. This one from Psalm 18 was one of my
firm foundations:
Psalm 18:1-2 says, “I love you,
Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is
my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my
stronghold.”
You know, in the Old Testament
many times God’s people would celebrate VICTORY by blowing the ram's horn. He
is our victory celebration. The ram’s horn also symbolizes protection and
defense against an enemy. Think of the ram. His horns are his defense and
protection. God is our Mighty Defender and our SALVATION!
There is something I want to share
with you, it is the concept of a vessel. From the day of that my daughter was
stillborn, my husband Sean has always called her body her “shell.” He always
said, “That is just her shell, she is already with Jesus!” And God spoke so
directly to my heart on our Florida trip on that difficult January 29th day
this year. He sent reminders of His presence and Joeli’s presence too. That
morning as I walked the beach, I came upon 5 perfect and LIVE conch shells
sitting all together in ankle-deep sea-water.
I instantly got teary eyed and
could barely breathe because I felt so sure that God and Joeli had gifted them
to us, one for each of her siblings. And then, not even a half an hour later I
found a perfect pure white and EMPTY conch shell.
Do you know how miraculous it is
to even find one conch shell? You know, people say things are happenstance or
irony but this... I truly believe with all of my heart THIS was one of those
Signs From God Himself! A miracle! A reminder of Joeli’s presence with God. A
gift to her siblings. God speaks!
Now our shell is a CARRIER of
something. Right?! A VESSEL. I mean vessel MEANS a container—something that
holds something else. A blood vessel carries blood. A ship is a vessel that
carries cargo or people. A jar is a vessel that contains juice.
So I want to ask you today: What
are you carrying?
I don’t think the vessel that we
are is quite so simple in purpose. We carry much more than these fading and
temporary things. WE carry an eternal spirit. We carry within us something
Created by GOD! We were created to live with purpose! And if we are in Christ,
we carry the Living Hope within us, every single moment of every single day. So
often though we overcrowd our vessel with useless things. We waste our: Time, Words,
Money, Energy, Resources, Mind, Emotions, Gifts and talents...
We miss precious opportunities to
LIVE WITH PURPOSE. We fill our shell with dying fading things instead of being
FILLED with HIS LIFE AND PURPOSE! And what is the BEST way to live a life FULL
of purpose? Maybe surprisingly it is actually found through living a •LIFE OF
SURRENDER• not just a season, but a whole LIFE of surrender! Being EMPTIED,
poured out like a drink offering, so that you can truly BE FILLED with all HE
has for us and wants to do in and THROUGH us!
So, my final question for you
today is this:
Are you living a LIFE of
surrender? Or are you holding on to areas, to habits, to selfish desires or
maybe even some healthy desires that are taking the position though of FIRST
above HIS CALL for your life or your season or your day or this moment?
Take some time to reflect, talk to
God, and then maybe even to share with a friend today in what ways God is
speaking to your heart. INVITE the Holy Spirit to speak to your heart and do
some pruning if necessary. Let the Holy Spirit begin to usher you into a Holy
Calling and a life of surrender.
May the hard places you face, lead
you to The Rock of Ages!
Abi is a wife to Sean for 15 years and mother of five earthly children and one precious daughter awaiting in heaven. She has a passion for running, laughing, and gardening. She loves worshiping and has been leading others in worship since she was 12 years old. Abi also has a passion for speaking at women's events. Abi believes the word of God is our true sustenance for living and personal love letter from a Heavenly Father who seeks a relationship with each of us 'til the cows come home.
You can link to Leslie McCarthy's artwork HERE.
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